Relationships are
complicated person-magnets. Sometimes our charges fit and we attract;
sometimes they oppose and we repel. But who exactly am I in a
relationship with? Surly my mother, but the guy behind the counter?
How does he rise to that level of commitment? If I only see him a
handful of times in my life, why should I care?
Limited to your
public-face, the null-state is where your interactions with people
are casual and functional, generally fiduciary, neighborly, or
logistically based. The moment we start to care, we leave the
null-state and enter the strata. Initially, we find interest; maybe a
friend, maybe a foe. We don't have to like someone to have a vested
interest. When interest deepens, we form a connection. Our plans
include each other. We coordinate meetings as friends; we meet on
battlefields as enemies. Should we take this relationship to the
ultimate level, we integrate, we bond without distinction. This is
when war ends. This is when families form.
It is my theory that
if there is life after death, some of us will choose seclusion and
some balance. We will either disappear into our own world, or join
the universe of others. If we choose to be with others, the scales of
cause-and-effect must balance. This is a most simple, elegant, and
symmetrical process. Our lives replay from the perspectives of all
those we've affected. Our actions return to us in full. We have
lifetimes of experiences to behold once we stop breathing. In a
nutshell, when I die I will experience you reading this.
It's a fundamentally
disturbing yet revealing notion. How will you treat others once you
accept this possibility? It matters how you treat the guy behind the
counter because eventually it will be you behind that counter.
Whatever you say or do, you will feel exactly what he felt. You'll
look through his eyes, hear through his ears. And if he's rude to
you, you'll know why. When you no longer seek to protect your ego in
every interaction but instead see each as an opportunity to spread
the emotional state you prefer, you add to your treasure. A simple
smile and considerate words go a long way in all of our lives. There
are many moments we are completely unaware of that have had tectonic
impacts on others. We have shown love to people and helped them in
ways we will only know completely after we are no longer limited by
the body.
Insuring our
treasure is as simple as owning the relationship before us. Be
present. We must also consider how our work and our habits affect the
world as a whole, not just how they make us look to others. Polluters
will account for their pollution; healers will enjoy their healing.
When we consciously find everyone interesting, we are taking a step
towards cultivating the benefits of future interactions. Connections
are great, but have risks. Moving slowly and steadily is key. But
integration is dangerous and beautiful. This is when soldiers
disintegrate and companions become one.
If you want to
integrate with someone, a single rule stands alone: never make it
personal. We all disagree. We all have our point of view. How we
negotiate the complications of life into a unified plan of action
determines our success. When we stay on point, when we listen
closely, express authenticity, and compromise for the greater-good,
we overcome. Self-help strategies exist with varying degrees of
effectiveness but can do nothing until clear boundaries and rules of
engagement are set and kept. As long as a couple uses personal
insults and character assassination to fortify a position, they will
only succeed in one thing: destroying the connection and seriously
limiting any future interest. When we personally attack our partner,
what we are really saying is, “I'm done.” That's when it's time
for space. If we can redefine our boundaries, we might just start
over from the null-state and discover our interest again.
If you want to
experience this idea as a narrative
read my short-story
Aftermath.
For longer articles
about all kinds of human-related things
read my primary blog
jaxoncohen.blogspot.com
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